I had written a whole post on this then I lost it. So here I am writing it again. I got this book about four months ago which is when I started reading it. I kept stopping which explains why I have taken so long to finish it.
I picked it up again last week and it almost seemed like some sort of twisted fate. I almost felt like this time I could relate to Gwen, to the heart breaks and the pain. I felt like I could empathize with her anger at the world and even tried to justify her actions to some extent.
I can’t though, because I am not her and because even though I have my own story and I have faced my own demons, I have not lived through hers. One thing I can however truly say is that depression is a monster that can eat you whole if you let it and Gwen almost let it. Despite the drama and the constant ‘bad choices’ I felt like Gwen has a big heart even though she doesn’t see it and Connor confirmed this when he finally told her why he loved her.
His reason makes me think that once you have experienced exactly how cruel the world can be, you begin to see its ugliness more vividly and you begin to see the hurt it has caused people. You begin to see the pain it has brought people.
Gwen saw this and she felt it and Connor finally saw it. He tells her that he fell in love with her because of this. She had been abused and hurt but her depression ran further. It was because of this that she could see the hurt in others and mirror it as her own.
I feel like she didn’t know how to react to these emotions and thus ended up being the train wreck that she was. Having hope that everything could be better in one minute and losing it the next. She says that sex was her weapon; it made her feel like she had control, like she was on top of things. It also numbed the pain away and acted as a temporary distraction.
We all have different ways of coping but I feel like hers broke her some.
Hers and Connors is a story about love and want and hurt. They both loved each other with such intensity until they didn’t and they both hurt each other deeply but both in different ways and at different times. We are hurt the most by the ones we love.
She then fell in love with Logan who although had a deep emotional connection with her didn’t mirror the love and although it broke her, she stayed. She stayed because she felt like he was the one that could get her because he had been through what she had been through. He understood how she felt and knew just what to stay. Something that Connor was never able to. She stayed because she found solace in lies rather than the truth and Logan was this. He was a lie that she grew dependent on until she did not.
“Love is never enough, is it?” “No. You have to find someone who wants to do the hard things with you.”
She loved Logan but said “I do” to Connor and even that didn’t last. She left him. She ran. She was good at running but for whatever reason she always came back; at least to Connor. When she finally did come back though it was because she was ready to get rid of the lies and live her truth. She was ready to get into her feelings and tell her story not on paper but to therapy as well. Connor had suggested it before but she turned it down. She didn’t want someone who felt like she wasn’t whole enough for him. But she wasn’t and when she finally admitted it to herself she agreed to the therapy. She finally saw that this man right here was the one person that saw her scars and the ugliness and darkness in her heart but still loved her even when he didn’t.
He wasn’t a lie. He was her truth and she was finally willing to work on their truth.
I feel like even though the ending is not filled with roses and rainbows and the promise of brighter days, it is still a happy one. I still can’t get over how raw and honest it felt even if it was not. If there is one thing I appreciate in books, it is the ability to stir my emotions and this one did just that. It made me sad and angry and made me smile at the same time.
I don’t know why, but it reminds me of “Author Anonymous: A true Story by EK Blair.” I still don’t know how I feel about this one but that is a story for another day.